my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
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