i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
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