So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Randomize
