i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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