I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize