I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
