There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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