I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
