Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
