I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
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