ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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