she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Randomize
