I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
