I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
