i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
