i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize