my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
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