I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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