I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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