i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Are these your boobs on my camera?
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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