and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
