Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
