Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Randomize
