The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
