I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
i think my cat just said my name.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
