walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
