Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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