i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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