I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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