We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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