Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
