dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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