he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Randomize
