Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize
