your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
