dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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