I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Randomize
