By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
