Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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