a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
