Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize