It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
