I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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