I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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