We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
