i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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