If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize