Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Randomize
