I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize