mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
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