i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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