Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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