Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
