I faked an abortion last night.
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
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