So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
