guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
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