i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Randomize
