Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
