I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
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