Four minutes until I can fart!
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
