My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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