I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Randomize