Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
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