No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
