I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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