Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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