My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
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